MARRIAGE -- THE HIGH CALLING

(Part 3)

FOR WOMEN ONLY

 "Whoso is a good wife is a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Prov. 18:22, paraphrased).

Our first two chapters were directed primarily to the men; and no doubt, some may have felt I was being a little one-sided -- making the husbands out as devils while the wives were innocent victims of their calloused behavior. However, as we all know, there are most usually two sides to every story, and although much more could be said concerning men, we will give them a rest for now and notice the women and their role for awhile. I will try not to be as overbearing on you as I was on the men.

In light of the dramatic rise in divorce rate statistics, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to find what King Solomon called a wife that is "a good thing." Many women walk from the altar with very misconstrued views of what a husband should be. Their notions are not unlike those of the men whose mental images and fixations which range anywhere from what seems logical, to the fantasies portrayed in romance novels, to the unbelievable. With this wide span of influence it is common for women to expect all sorts of unreal things that will likely never come to pass.

New wives will sometimes expect their husbands to "love" them so much, that their every whim is his dying command; and in the beginning it will very often work this way. Rather than he being the husband (the head of the house), she becomes the ruling factor. Due to the nature of the average woman, if this continues for very long she will begin to disrespect him, for he is not being the man that her God-given, inner soul desires in a husband. However, after a short period of time the man will usually become familiar enough with the woman he once idolized, and will often take back the reins of control; for it is in his nature to do so -- to rule as the head of his body, which is his wife.

At that time she may see her loving husband as a selfish, uncaring male chauvinist. She will begin to feel more like a maid who is supposed to slave away for him during the day and then be used as a convenient sex object at night, when he is not too tired. It will not be long before it is not the husband who may be too tired, but the wife, because with her feelings of being unloved, unappreciated, rejected, abused, and overworked, she will lose the desire to be intimate with him. Her sexual relationship may turn from deep emotions of love to that of mere physical "satisfaction." When this happens it can begin to be more like a sordid action of lust than an expression of genuine love. Sex can then lead to disgust, and she will not want her husband to touch her, except on rare occasions when the hormones overpower her deep rooted mind-set.

This is by no means always the case, but when the newness of marriage wears off, and without realizing what is happening, it can easily develop into this, especially when she does not understand the role of the man as the head of the house. If he doesn't measure up to her expectations, frustration and discontentment soon set in. She may begin to wonder what happened to the wonderful man she married only a short time before. She could not have believed such hateful words and cutting looks could come from such a handsome man who had always treated her like a queen. She knows that something must have definitely gone wrong. She usually doesn't know what it is, but assumes it must surely be his fault, for she gets along with everyone but him.

The picturesque delusions of a woman can be mind boggling! It does not take long for them to go up in smoke and be blown away by the winds of hopeless disappointment. It can be like a slap in the face by a trusted friend, and the bruise can go deep. Where she was looking for a magnificent, fun-loving, caring man of her Cinderella dreams, she finds a self-centered, egotistical rat who makes life utterly miserable for her; and with each passing day he becomes more impossible to live with. Where she was anticipating paradise in the heavens of love she found hell on earth. It seems that nothing has gone the way she was expecting. No doubt, she has missed something somewhere, and to her, divorce appears to be the only solution -- just getting away from the pain, escaping from the heat of the fire is all she can think about once such hopeless despair finds its mark. Her fears, however, may outweigh her despair: the fear of being alone, the fear of not being able to support herself, and the fear of possibly not finding the true man of her dreams, or any man for that matter. In the shadow of such fear, she would prefer to live her life with a man who is not so good rather than with no man at all.

With the ignorance of what it takes to truly love their husbands and make a marriage work, it is no wonder so many relationships slip into unbearable conditions. Men, and women alike enter marriage with legendary expectations, with little or no knowledge and training in this crucial area of life. This produces marriages that are destined to failure before they ever get started. Even if they don't end in divorce, living a miserable life with someone they only tolerate, or sometimes loathe, can seem to be a fate worse than death. Of course, we know there are many degrees of marital relationships, ranging from excellent to the ludicrous, and fortunately, there are more than a few who stand in the number of the excellent marriages. Too often, however, we see couples who find themselves torn apart and broken upon the rocks of boredom, frustration, ignorance, anger, and constant sorrow.

A primary reason for this is the lack of the basic principles of marriage, as we mentioned in our first chapter on this subject. Marriage principles are the very foundation that stabilizes a relationship in order for it to stand. The deeper, far-reaching love will never be experienced without applying the principles. The truth is, the principles are the very seeds of life that birth into existence unconditional love in a marriage. Most couples, however, enter marriage with unreal expectations, and lacking knowledge of what the principles are. (With the stakes so high, it makes us wonder why such modern societies of today allow young couples to get married without a firm foundation in those principles.)

One of the things many women fail to realize is the basic makeup and role of a man, and the very real differences they have from a woman. I believe we can see why this happens. It is unquestionable that there has been a spirit sweeping the western nations for some time now -- a spirit that is attempting to transform women into men. Through television, radios, magazines and newspapers, we are continually being bombarded with Secular Humanism in the guise of the Feminist Movement. There is virtually no place we can go to escape it. With its influence, men eventually begin to perceive women as having the same attributes as they. This has caused many husbands to expect their wives to carry a load that is femininely impossible. More than a few are under the delusion that women are to fill the shoes of both a woman and a man. Depending on what is required of her at any given time will determine what pair she is to wear. Not only are they expected to be that delicate creature which by nature men are attracted to, but they are also required to think, feel, and work like a man as well. It has become a very real problem for the woman as a whole.

Although they are becoming more "free," they are having to perform more tasks and as a result have become more imprisoned -- not "liberated," as the activists are prone to purport. It is good for women to be able to put on work pants and exercise their freedom; but for one, my wife doesn't like the idea of being expected to dig a ditch or root out mesquite roots when she is wearing them. She is not, however, opposed to getting behind a shovel and helping me when I need help with certain projects around the house; but she doesn't have to fill the role of a man to prove her worth to me or to herself. If she did, the truth of the matter is, she would be demeaning herself and revealing her insecurity as a woman.

Due to popular misconceptions, more is continually being required of women. Generally speaking, they are having to fill more conditions, and the inevitable consequence is that they are becoming more bound day by day. Regardless of what the land of fantasy (television) is telling us, we are going to have to come to the realization that women are different than men -- NOT INFERIOR, but different. Truthfully, the feminist movement has grossly distorted the woman's perceived role, and it has served to pressure them into accepting a false identity -- an identity they were not created to fill.

From one end of the spectrum to the other, we can see distinct differences between men and women. Beginning with the microscopic, virtually every cell in a woman's body has a different chromosome make up. Chromosomes can play an infinitely important role in the emotions of a person, attributing to the difference of a woman's emotions compared to that of a man's. Therefore, it matters not if they desire to think and feel like a man, it is virtually impossible, because their chromosomes are designed with data that forbids it; unless, however, she gives herself to a masculine spirit to rule over her body. To a degree, this can alter her chemistry, upsetting the delicate balance of nature in her physical body, and produce the characteristics of a man. But discounting this, not only are the chromosomes different, their hormones are secreted in different proportions as well. The influx of varying quantities of estrogen at different times of the month lends to emotional variations. While the man usually maintains a somewhat stable emotional plane, the woman will swing back and forth. As most women know, it is common to be on top of the world one day and to be in the throes of depression the next.

Although there is a vast difference between men and women, it is of great importance to realize this is not bad, that it is supposed to be this way, and it is vitally important for women, and men alike, to recognize and be appreciative of this fact. For instance, men usually have a rougher mental edge about them, making them less sensitive to some things than women. They tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logic rather than what they feel. Rather than finding their identity in the home and family life, men find their's through their jobs. Younger men seem to have a strong pull for the camaraderie with their buddies, even to the point of forsaking their wives at times. Most grow out of it with time, but some remain boys all their life. Men also tend to be more war oriented. It is in their makeup to challenge and conquer. By nature they want to stand before the world as a valiant gladiator -- with lifted sword and foot on the throat of his foe, they thrill at the sound of the crowd as they shout their approval of his conquest. Such illusions very seldom come, but the drive is nevertheless there. Since the world very seldom gives the average man a second glance, it is very important for the wife to recognize his achievements and to cheer him on. He may be able to live without the approval of the world, but if he never receives it from the one he is fighting for, the little maiden in distress, he will soon wonder why he even gets out of bed to go to the battlefields of work in the mornings.

A man's emotional qualities and thinking are as different to those of a woman as his physical features are. Once this basic, elementary fact of nature becomes apparent, a major step in your life will have been made. Once you truly realize that he is a unique and special creature, and made especially for you, you will treat your victorious dragon slayer as such. He will then respond accordingly. On the other hand, when you complain about how he is doing things, don't be surprised when he shuts you out and prefers being somewhere else than with you. Although men have the skin of a rhinoceros toward the world, one negative statement from the wife, one little cutting word, one hint that they have failed in any way, will often send them plummeting to the depths of despair. And like all of God's creatures, if they don't stand and fight for survival, they will want to flee the pain and escape the cruel overtures of ridicule. Knowing this, dear ladies, be cautious of how you get the message across to your husbands when something is lacking in their lives. Use the sweet principle of honey rather than the sour quench of vinegar. No doubt, there are men who seem to be impossible to get through to; but if your husband has even the remotest spark of genuine love in his soul, use your sweet charm of honey, and God will perform a miracle in him before your very eyes.

There are so many women today who can hardly see any good thing at all in their husbands; but they fail to realize that it is not entirely the man's fault. Very often, in the dull humdrums of life and without giving it a conscious thought, the discontented wife will periodically hurl a mud-ball in the form of a negative word. Such words will smear either the face of his heart or the image of him in her own mind. Even if he doesn't respond from a wounded heart, if she has found fault and accused him, rather than seeing the handsome face of her love, all she will see is the muddy face of a scoundrel, and not knowing that she is the one who has marred his visage.

Even if this is the case, that the husband is seen as less than desirable, underneath all the dirt is a prince -- a prince that is made in the image and likeness of God. When this glimmer of light breaks through your own hurting heart, perhaps you will draw a pan of warm water, and with a soothing word of encouragement, refresh him. You will be surprised to see how quickly the thick layer of hard and crusty mud will dissolve and wash away. Once again you will see that handsome knight in shining armour who saved you from the perils of the world. The sparkling smile, like rays of the sun, will be seen beaming from his face, from the face you had assumed to be unchangeable. You may not believe this can work on a husband like yours, but you will never know if you don't apply the honey and see. Give it a chance. Do you want a malcontented, angry, grumbling, withdrawn human being that only resembles a husband, or do you want the happy, handsome, radiant man of your dreams? Then stop focusing on all the reasons why he isn't, and start treating him as if he is. Otherwise, you may miss the greatest blessing God has ever given to you.

Many of you already know the negative side of marriage, and at times it may have been due to your own attitude and actions. If so, you can know well that your husband might have echoed Proverbs 21:9 -- "It is better to dwell in the corner of the house top, than with a brawling (contentious) woman in a wide house." Regardless of whose fault it has been, with some understanding, knowledge, and a little wisdom, things will take on a change when the principles of marriage are truly applied by the wife. Yes indeed, changes will come! They will work! They are laws that are as exact as the law of gravity, and if used, you will see good, positive and lasting results!

There are three foundational principles which must be present and working in order to achieve most anything. The are: 1) DESIRE, 2) WILLINGNESS, and 3) ACTION. In a marriage, a woman must desire to know the truth, and she must also desire to love her husband. She must be willing to change. And it is a must for her put into action those things she knows to be true.

The first step, DESIRE, sounds easy enough, but upon examination you may change your mind, for when you really get down to it, many people prefer ignorance over truth. One reason is because in ignorance they are not responsible for doing anything about painful situations -- making it is easier (not less painful) to stay in darkness than to come into the light and deal with life.

It is often the same when it comes to a woman loving her husband. It is not uncommon for her to deliberately desire not to love him, unconsciously, no doubt, but she still makes the choice not to love as a result of what her desire is. Let us consider it: If we don't love or like someone, very seldom do we even want to love or like them. If they do something we like, we will like them because we want to like them. When they do something lovely, we love them because we want to love them. And when they do things that we don't like, we don't want to like them, or we don't want to love them. But with understanding and conscious effort a woman can want to love her husband. She can truly DESIRE to love him, even when he has done nothing to deserve her love -- as Jesus desired to and loved an unlovely human race enough to die for them. This type of unconditional human love, one's love toward their spouse, is as close to the love Jesus had for humanity that we can get. And although it is on the human level, it is a type and shadow of our love toward Christ (the real High Calling of Marriage), of which we are building up to and will be writing on sometime in the future. (Those who fail to apply these elementary principles of natural marriage will absolutely fail to apply them to Christ in spiritual marriage -- so don't become impatient and brush them aside too quickly, ye "sons of God." For if you can see it, a foundation of truth is being laid.)

A woman must desire to love her husband, desire to make him happy, and desire to learn how to do it. These can be summed up in one: Desire to lay down your life for the one you desire to love. And if genuine love is present, it won't be a grievous thing, and to your pleasure you will soon come to know, in dying to your own self you will find your life, even as Jesus told the people who laid down their lives for Him. As a wife moves into this realm of sacrifice and searches for the answers and opens her mind to the solutions, she will take her first giant step toward heaven on earth in her quest for a happy marriage.

Secondly, as important as this first step is, there must be a willingness to change. If this ingredient is missing, the first step will produce nothing more than a fleeting moment of love, like the dew on a flower, which is destined to fade away the moment the hot sun of tomorrow's adversities arise. The willingness to change is extremely hard for most people (men & women alike). In their minds, it is generally the other who should change, not themselves. "If they change," they say, "then I'll change." The problem is, with both parties having this attitude, no one ever changes.

When it is settled in a woman's heart, that she is absolutely ready to make some changes in her life, she and the marriage can progress onward and upward. These two principles alone, however, will not be enough to reach the desired goal of marital perfection. Before the capstone can be secured, she must then execute the third step: She must PUT INTO ACTION what she knows to do -- for the truth of the matter is, our thoughts are only as good as the action applied to them. The apostle James said it this way: "But be ye DOERS OF THE WORD, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: for he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and CONTINUETH THEREIN, he being not a forgetful hearer, but A DOER OF THE WORK, this man shall be blessed in his (her) deed" (James 1:22-25).

Proverbs 12:4 speaks also of this principle of D-O-I-N-G and shows how it transforms a woman into the most highly esteemed part of a man's life -- his crown of glory. Please note: "A VIRTUOUS woman is a CROWN to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." The Hebrew word for Virtuous is chayil and carries the thought of a force, the means of certain resources, activity of strength. In other words, a VIRTUOUS woman is a wife who not only possesses the resources to be the crowning glory of her husband, but she PUTS THEM INTO A-C-T-I-O-N. She is a DOER OF THE WORD AND THE WORK, not just a forgetful hearer.

Without the action, without conscious effort, without working out the life of your pure love toward your husband, it is doubtful you will ever see perfection in your marriage, for you cannot count on him being the initiator of love in action toward you. Not only this, but the greater your vision is to progress on to The High Calling of Marriage, the greater your desire to love your husband will be, and the greater your willingness to change will be. If you are determined to excel in these three avenues of life, and never cease in this adventurous journey to heaven on earth, you will forever be scaling the heights only dreamed about by those who are ignorant of these simple things. It has been said that only great hearts can love greatly. Then be challenged, and see how great your heart might be. Go on and set your goal to be the greatest wife who has ever graced this earth. You may not achieve it in its total perfection, but again, you might. Even if not, you will certainly make your husband happy in the process, and if he is happy you are happy. This alone is worth the effort, isn't it?

Undoubtedly, before anyone can even begin to go beyond their less than prefect marriage and begin the journey to The High Calling of Marriage, especially beyond their fanciful dreams and high imaginations, they must truly want to love their husbands, and it really helps when the men want to love their wives as well. If they don't, that is all right, for with a commitment on your part to this great goal of love, their hurt and frustrations, and their misguided imaginations about marriage and about you will eventually be dissolved. A genuine desire to respond to your love will be birthed in them, and it will not be long before the blossoms of unlimited love will unfold and reveal its hidden beauty and sweet fragrance in your garden of life.

One has said, "Friends are like gardens, to have them they must be cultivated." If this is true, and we know it is -- then so much more a marriage. Many marriage gardens are grown over with weeds and the good fruit has been choked out. We can see how this could discourage the gardener, even a giving wife, from wanting to tackle such a painstaking job of getting it back to production. (Anyone who has ever had a garden of any size knows what we mean, for pulling weeds is hard work.) However, if the first weed is never pulled, the second, the third, the fourth, down to the last weed will always remain, with more springing up every year. Even in the best tilled gardens, weeds will grow that were not deliberately sown. Nevertheless, "As is the Gardener, so is the Garden" (Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732). Whether we acknowledge it or not, our spouses and marriages are direct reflections of our efforts toward them. Although we may not be responsible for sowing the weeds, the world will be watching to see if we let them remain.

When you tend to your marriage as a prized garden, using the tools of the three principles (DESIRE, WILLINGNESS & ACTION), you will be amazed at how your husband mellows out; but what is more amazing is how your own attitude will change. Where you once were so disillusioned upon seeing nothing but the shortcomings of noxious weeds, you will see him as the handsome flower you once knew, and probably more. Or perhaps, you will be able to see his imperfections are wounds inflicted by the hailstorms of life's adversities, and he needs to be handled gently and nursed back to health. Regardless, whether his shortcomings are weeds or wounds, once you become aware of the principles, and you are willing to apply them, it is then that your husband will be able to fully agree with the proverb: "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Prov. 18:22), for you will be one. You will indeed be the beautiful crown of his life.

Elwin R. Roach

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