MARRIAGE -- THE HIGH CALLING

(Part 1)

FOR MEN ONLY

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Prov. 18:22).

 We may be hard pressed to find a quantity of men today who agree with this statement, for many have married but fail to see that they have "a good thing." Rather than this, quite a few have come to believe they might have married The Thing instead. This is, evidently, their thoughts, for the present statistics show that over 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce -- staggering evidence to say the least.

Should we rely upon what we hear from some husbands, as well as outward appearance, plus the statistics and man's varied definitions of what a wife is, we too would wonder if the writer of the above proverb knew what he was talking about. Knowing something, however, of the natural thinking of the digressing mind in fallen man, we can pretty well conclude that he might be looking at this subject through rose-colored glasses. If this is the case, and we believe it is, his vision would then be quite distorted.

Such a dark view produces all sorts of imaginations in the minds of men about what their wives should be in order to have the perfect marriage. The mental images and fixations range anywhere from the logical, to storybook fantasies, to the absurd. In this far reaching spectrum, it is not unusual for men to see their wives as an obedient, loving maid-servant during the day and a wanton sex object at night. This is not always the case, but when the newness of marriage wears off, and without realizing what is happening, it can easily develop into this. And of course, if she doesn't measure up to his subconscious (or conscious) expectations, frustration and discontentment soon set in. He begins to wonder what happened to that sweet little angel he married only a short time before. Someone must have come in while they slept and stole her away and left in her place this temperamental, unloving, disobedient, wailing banshee. Never in his wildest dreams could he have believed such hateful words and cutting looks could come from such a beautiful and delicate woman. Something has definitely gone wrong. He usually doesn't know what it is, but assumes it must surely be her fault, for he is really a nice guy if she could just see it.

Oh, the misconceptions and legendary delusions of a man's mind! In such a short time they are toppled from their high places and shattered like crashing glass upon the hard rocks of hopeless disappointment. The cold facts are like a slap in the face. Where he was looking for a beautiful, fun-loving, caring woman of his dreams, he found a self-centered, spoiled brat who makes life utterly miserable for him, and with each passing day she becomes more impossible to live with. Where he was anticipating paradise in the heavens he found hell on earth. Nothing, literally nothing, has gone the way he was expecting. Yes indeed, he has missed something somewhere, and to him, divorce seems to be the only solution -- just getting away from the pain, escaping from the heat of the fire is all he can think about once such hopeless despair finds its mark.

Armed with the absolute ignorance of what it takes to truly love their spouses and make a marriage work, it isn't any wonder that a vast number of men fit the above scenario. Because men, and women too, enter marriage with various "storybook" expectations, with virtually no knowledge and very little training in this vital area of life, most marriages today are destined to ruin before they ever get started. Even if they don't end in divorce, living a miserable life with someone they loathe sometimes can seem to be a doomed fate worse than death. Of course, there are many degrees of marital relationships, ranging from excellent to the absolute barbaric. Fortunately, there are more than a few who have entered into that realm of The High Calling of Marriage; but often we see couples who find themselves shipwrecked upon the rocks of boredom, frustration, ignorance, anger, and perpetual despair.

The primary reason for this is the lack of the essential ingredients; namely, the basic principles of marriage. Marriage principles are the active ingredients that inject life into a relationship and make it work. The principles are the creative powers of love and marital life. The High Calling of Love, the Life of a Marriage, will never be experienced without applying the principles. In essence, the principles are the very sperm of life that births into existence unlimited love in a marriage.

Most couples, however, enter marriage with the above mentioned "storybook" expectations, lacking any knowledge of what the principles are. They are under the assumption that "love" is all they need, and they plan on solving any problem or difference that might arise with this tremendous love they have for one another. This is an admirable thought but very misleading and exceedingly deceptive; for in truth, very seldom do those who have been duped by this lie ever come to know what genuine love is. Their love is usually in the first stages of tender development which must be nurtured and exercised so it can grow into mature love. Should we desire to wonder if our young love has grown to maturity, let us compare what we have with what the esteemed apostle Paul wrote: "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy; is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited -- arrogant and inflated with pride; it is not rude, and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it -- pays no attention to a suffered wrong. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything (without weakening). Love never fails -- never fades out or becomes obsolete nor comes to an end" (I Cor. 13:4-8, Amplified Bible).

This is the love which will resolve our marital problems, but too many fail to either remain in the marriage long enough for this type of love to develop, or after many years they are still ignorant of what it takes to cultivate and create such love. They become stagnant in their relationship, and the only thing they know is a dull, lifeless routine called a rut. And a rut, as I have said many times and for many years, is nothing more than a grave with both ends kicked out of it.

Most societies are very strange when it comes to marriage. Strange in the sense that more often than not, couples entering into the most important phase of their entire life are ill equipped and unprepared for it. Truthfully, they haven't the slightest notion of what the principles are in making it work, and when we hear of their impending divorce, with amazement we say, "I don't understand it. They seemed so right for each other. I was sure it was a match made in heaven. They are both such beautiful people. How can they not be able to live with each other?"

It shouldn't be such a surprising thing to see them tumbling from the heavens. The amazing thing is that they have lasted so long. And what is more amazing is to see undesirable marriages lasting for many years. It's an absolute phenomenon, and should be noted as the miracle of miracles, that they have been able to endure so much pain as long as they have. For you see, the average marriage is lacking in the general principles and instructions of that institution. The beginning stages of marriage are often like a man attempting to fly a plane without ever having any lessons. They go into it virtually untrained and moving in an element they are totally unfamiliar with. Therefore, realistically, we should have expected their plane to have crashed before it did, or even upon take-off. Truthfully, it probably did, but just took awhile for us to see the outward manifestation of it.

Just think about it. No one in their right mind would think of jumping into the cockpit of an airplane and soaring off into the wild-blue yonder without first taking some flying lessons and being schooled in the basic principles of aerodynamics. And should someone be foolish enough to try such a feat, no one would be surprised to hear that they had crashed the plane. The surprise would be if the individual was able to even get airborne, and even more surprising would be if he brought the unfamiliar machine down in one piece. No one wonders for a moment when people who know nothing about flying crash planes; or better yet, when the laws of aerodynamics send a one-winged airplane plunging to the earth -- yet people constantly transgress the laws of marriage, and then wonder why it all turns sour.

It is really amazing that as intelligent human beings, we are not only allowing our young people to get married without a firm foundation in those principles, but we are also living in an age that has grossly misapplied its priorities. For instance, before one can even apply for their journeyman's license to fix leaky faucets or install sewer lines, they must first be in training as an apprentice (under skilled journeyman plumbers) for at least four years. We can't say why this is, but supposedly our state governments believe it takes that long for someone to learn the principle that water always runs down hill. Nevertheless, the same lawgivers who require these stringent measures for one to work and provide for himself and family seem to think there is nothing critical to know about entering into a marital relationship where lives are at stake.

In most states all that is necessary for a marriage license is two willing bodies and sometimes a blood test. Counseling is not a mandate, no written tests are given to see what their odds are on successfully completing a lifelong, sworn commitment, and very few (if any) sincere suggestions are shared that might help them along the way. After the "I dos" are exchanged, and a lot of "good lucks" are given to the adventurous couple, most everyone then watches on with crossed fingers, hoping against hope, that they will hang in there and make it work. How they make it work is somewhat of a mystery in their minds, but they can still hope anyway.

One of the first things that the average man fails to understand is the basic make up of a woman and her differences from a man in general, and vise versa. We can see why this happens, for there has been a spirit sweeping the western nations for a few decades that is attempting to transform women into men. With its ever-abiding influence coming over the airwaves and bombarding most every home through TV sets and radios, not to mention the countless tons of written material, men begin to subconsciously view women as having the same qualities as they. Consciously, most men feel much more capable than women in most fields, but his subconscious can be very misguided, and he will expect the little wife to carry a load that is femininely impossible. Hence, a large number of men expect their wives to not only fill the bill of being that soft, pretty, delicate, submissive wife that their male hormones are attracted to, but they also expect them to think, feel, and work like a man as well. It has become a real dilemma that women have found themselves in. Although they are becoming more "free," they are having to wear more hats and as a result have become more imprisoned. More is continually required of them, they are having to fill more conditions, and the inevitable consequence is that they are becoming more bound day by day. Regardless of what the land of fantasy (television) is telling us, we are going to have to come to the realization that women are different than men -- NOT INFERIOR, but different. Truthfully speaking, the feminist movement has grossly distorted the woman's perceived role, and it has served to pressure them into accepting a false identity -- an identity that they were not created for.

From one end of the spectrum to the other, we can see distinct differences between men and women -- beginning with the microscopic. Virtually every cell in a woman's body has a different chromosome make up, and the authorities say that chromosomes play an infinitely important role in the emotions of a person. There is strong evidence suggesting that the seat of the emotions in a woman's brain is wired differently than in a man's. Therefore, it matters not if a woman desires to think and feel emotionally like a man, it is virtually impossible, for her chromosomes are designed with data that forbids it. Not only are the chromosomes different, but the hormones of a women are secreted in different proportions. The influx of varying quantities of estrogen at different times of the month also lends to emotional variations. While the man maintains somewhat of a stable emotional plane, the woman will vacillate back and forth. It is common for her to be flying high one day and to be in the "mully-grubs" of depression the next.

Generally speaking, women tend to be more personal than men. Women usually have a deeper interest in people and building relationships. They are geared much more to warm feelings, while men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logic. Women often find their identity in close relationships, while men gain their identity through their jobs. Men also tend to be more warlike, challenge-and-conquer oriented (competing for dominance); hence, their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing. Whatever they do usually revolves around overcoming an obstacle to reach their goal. For example: watch what happens during family trips across the country. The man is challenged by the goal of driving 500 miles a day, while she wants to take a break now and then, drink coffee, relax, relate, and take in a few craft shows. He thinks that's a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal. While the woman likes to stop and smell the roses, his high-geared motor is running 90 miles an hour and cannot relax long enough for such things until he has reached his all-important goal.

Another difference between most men and women is how they adjust to changes -- large or small. She needs more time to adjust to the change that may affect her relationships which have taken time to build. Most men can logically determine the benefits of a change and get "psyched-up" about it in a matter of minutes and step into it without hesitation.

We have some precious friends in the military who lend to this thought. His enlistment was ready to expire, and he had until a certain date to decide whether to stay in or not. Both ,he and his wife, had spent a lot of time discussing together which would be the best. Although she had built some strong relationships in Alamogordo and vicinity, she kept thinking about her family and relationships in Albuquerque. After too many years away from them, she was ready for her husband to leave the Air Force and start a new career as a civilian -- which he was in agreement with. However, when the deadline came for him to sign his name that would release him from the Air Force, he quickly evaluated the benefits of staying in, and within a few minutes got himself psyched-up and reenlisted -- without telling his wife until after the fact. To say the least, her dreams and expectations were shattered, and she was wounded very deeply. Had she been given time to adjust to it, everything would have been all right, but this was not the case. Of course, he could not understand why she was so upset, for it only took him a few minutes to see the benefits and assumed she would be able to do the same. What he did not take into account was her womanhood. If she had the chromosomes and hormones of a man she could have handled it in that manner, but her womanly makeup made all the difference in the world.

Some of the visible things that are different about a woman's overall makeup is her smoother skin, relatively hairless body and thick layer of subcutaneous fat, and this is associated with a woman's thyroid being larger and more active. The extra estrogen hormone is also a prevailing factor in making her different than the man. Another interesting note, but not many are aware of it, women's blood contains 20 percent fewer red cells than men's. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, women tire more easily and some are prone to faint. Due to having fewer red blood cells they generally require more sleep.

As different as women are in their physical makeup, they are just as different in their emotional makeup. It doesn't make any difference if she is hoeing a cabbage patch right along side her dear old hard and crusty man, her chromosomes, hormones, and female spirit forbids her by the laws of nature to be and think like a man. This is not saying her thinking is inferior, for it is not! It is merely different! Her emotional qualities and thinking are as different to those of a man as her physical features are. Once this basic, elementary principle of nature becomes apparent to him, and to her, progression will have been made. After he truly realizes that she is a unique and special creature of the highest kind, he will treat his beautiful flower as such; that is, if he is not too centered on his own greatness and is not having a love affair with himself.

No doubt, there are women who seem to be a little less than a beautiful flower -- which would make it hard to hold to the nose and take a deep whiff. However, it matters not what appears on the surface, there is still a flower underneath. Very often we husbands have a tendency to stir up a bullish dirt cloud around our lovely wives, and when we see the thick layer of dust that has settled upon her tender petals, we believe this is all she is. When this happens, our treatment of her begins to worsen, and eventually she is treated like the dirt we see. If we showered her instead with the sweet rain drops of love and understanding, to our great surprise we would see a marvelous change. The layer of dust we had been responsible for in the first place would soon be washed away, and the sparkling rays of the sun would be seen reflected from that delicate thing we had assumed unredeemable. Believe me, dear readers, it works!

When the flame of love has died to a cool ember and the husband only sees the negative side of his wife, it is next to impossible to believe there is anything good in such a woman. Where there was once a burning love for his wife, in a very short time, all that can be seen are those detestable things. Good advice can be given but not always with good results. When the principles of love are shared with a foolish man, it is not uncommon to have him respond very negatively; or at least he will be thinking: "Do you believe for one second that I'm going to bend over backwards for a woman like that? You don't know her. At times, and most of the time lately, she's the most inconsiderate, selfish, nagging, temperamental, spoiled, thankless person on the face of the earth. And besides, if I open the gate and start giving, knowing her, she will be like a vacuum cleaner and take me for everything I've got. I'll never have a minute to myself. If I give her an inch, she'll take a mile. There will be no end to it. You wouldn't believe how she never runs out of something for me to do, especially when I am busy with something else.

"Furthermore, when I am busy doing those things I enjoy, she is always complaining about it, and if she isn't nagging she gives me the silent treatment, like I'm supposed to be able to read her ever-demanding mind. Truthfully, I couldn't care less whether I please her or not, because she really hasn't earned better treatment or consideration. She really doesn't deserve a better way of life. With her constant complaining and thanklessness, let her lie in the bed she has made for herself. It's sure not my fault that she is making life miserable for both of us.

"And besides," he continues on, "if I start doing everything she wishes, I'm no longer being a man. I have to remain the head of the house. One thing for sure, I'll never become one of those wimpy, lilly-livered, hen-pecked husbands, especially not in the eyes of my friends. They have to know who wears the pants in my house. There is no way I am going to lose the seat of authority in this family, and the sooner she submits to it, even as the Bible tells her to, the sooner things will shape up and be smooth sailing for us all."

What a misguided and cruel way of thinking about the most beautiful of all God's creation! Oh sure, there might be a layer of crusty earth covering her beauty a foot thick. Nevertheless, that does not negate the fact that she is a woman and when she is treated as one, that true character will begin to surface and radiate with a brilliance never seen before. Come on men! Do we want a malcontented, angry, grumbling thing that only resembles a wife, or do we want a happy, beautiful, radiant woman of our dreams? Then we had better start treating them as such lest we miss the greatest blessing God has ever given to men.

More than a few of you out there already know the negative side of marriage, as Proverbs 21:9 states, "It is better to dwell in the corner of the house top, than with a brawling (contentious) woman in a wide house." And you believe you are ready to do anything to change things, but you feel that you are not sure what it takes to make a go of it. However, when I begin to tell you what is necessary to get your wife's love fired up again, you may think I have fallen out of a tall tree and landed on my head. Think what you will, but the message in this series of writings, when applied, will work! They are laws that are as exact as the law of gravity, and if used, you will see good, positive and lasting changes.

There are three foundational principles that must be present and functioning in order to accomplish just about anything. Once these three are established, other detailed principles can then be coupled with them. The first one is simply desiring. A man must desire to love his wife, desire to make her happy, and desire to learn what works. These can be summed up in one: Desire to live with her according to knowledge. As one moves into this realm and searches for the answers and opens his mind to the solutions, he will have hit the ball and made it to first base in his quest for a happy marriage. Secondly, once he desires to excel in this adventure, there must be a willingness to change -- which is extremely hard for most people (men & women alike). When this is settled in his heart he can progress to second base. At this point he really seems to be an active player in the game of life. These two alone, however, will not be enough to score any points. He must then apply principle number three. He must put into action what he knows to do -- for the truth of the matter is, our thoughts and ambitions are only as good as the action applied to them. With this taken care of he finds himself not only on third base but headed for home with nothing to stop him.

Let us look at this basic formula in the terms of mathematics. In order to do this we will rate each of the three categories from one to ten, with one being the least sincere and ten the most. And since we are dealing with divine mathematics (which true marriages are God ordained and divine), in our formula we will multiply rather than adding. For example, when we try to add up the sum of what God is we get a divided answer with three separate entities (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost), i.e. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3; however, when we multiply it is different. 1 X 1 X 1 = 1. Let us now use this principle of math and see how successful we might be in creating and ascending to the high calling of marriage.

Let us assume that we rate a 10 in wanting to learn the principles involved, we are also very willing to change, so we get a 10 for that also, but say we never get around to putting what we know into action, which would give us a 0 on that one. Therefore, what we have is 10 X 10 X 0 = 0. All right, lets change it to 10 for knowing the principles, 0 for willing to change, and 10 for getting things done without delay. 10 X 0 X 10 = 0. No matter how we figure it, if there is going to be any success at all there can be NO ZEROS in any of the categories. A man with very low scores can do better than one with a zero in the equation. He may only be able to muster up a 3 on wanting to learn the principles, say a 4 on his willingness to change, and a low 2 on his efforts (3 X 4 X 2 = 24), but he will still be way ahead of the guy who at one point in the equation was scoring 100 but when he should have been on his way to home base he stops and is put out (10 X 10 = 100 X 0 = 0). The farther we desire to progress in our high calling of marriage, the greater our desire and application of the three we must have. And if we pursue it, and never cease in this adventurous journey, we will eventually hit that high peak of 1,000 -- the fulness of God's glory. Men of antiquity have said that only great hearts can love greatly. Let us then see how great our hearts are. Let us go on and set our manly goal to be the greatest husband who has ever lived. We may not achieve it in totality, but we will certainly bless our wives in the process.

Once we know what the basic principles are for any type of success (desire to accomplish, willingness to change, and action), we can then begin to consider what the principles are that will guarantee a successful marriage when properly applied. The first one, and probably the most important, as mentioned above, is to truly WANT TO LOVE YOUR WIFE. This may sound like a senseless statement to make, for doesn't every man want to love his wife? Sure they do -- when she is lovely; but when she is not, it's generally a different matter. When our wives are lovely, we will love them; if they are hateful then we will hate them. Whatever we see them as, whether real or imagined, that is generally how we react; that is, until the principles are learned, applied and then worked experientially in us.

You see, it is easy to love our sweet apple blossom when she is measuring up to our expectations, but when she has turned into a little sour, green, crab apple and is defying the very laws of common sense, it becomes a different story. For instance, when a man is treated like an incompetent imbecile in front of others, it is more than a little difficult at that moment for him to love her. And it doesn't matter if his actions toward her have been that of an incompetent imbecile, if she belittles him in front of others he is ready to choke her. Or perhaps, he is wanting to watch his favorite TV program, or he has settled down for the evening with a good book, and you guessed it -- "Honey, do this, or Honey, do that for me." He might not say anything, but there can be a churning right in the middle of his gut, and he thinks, "Is your leg broken, do it yourself you...." It is times like this that men have a hard time even wanting to love their wives, and when they don't want to, it is virtually impossible for the human mind to do so.

When negative thoughts and feelings are planted in our fertile minds, it doesn't take long for them to sprout up as overbearing weeds in our garden of attitudes. It is then that our wives begin to see within us, not the tree of life in the midst of paradise, but noxious weeds. She will then, of course, begin her never ending task of trying to pull and root them out -- and as most of us know, the battle is on. If it is not a perpetual, heated war, at best it evolves into what is called a cold war. It can even deteriorate into a relationship of the walking dead. In this unproductive state of affairs, neither being hot nor cold, nothing good can be seen in either. We merely abide with them under the same roof, and they with us, for no longer is there any life when the foundation of love has been destroyed. However, when we desire, or better yet, when we are determined to love our wives, regardless of how they are or what we do or do not see in them, there is hope. Although it may be hard to believe it is possible to love such an unlovely person, in the Spirit of Christ and by applying His principles, it IS easy.

In order to love, even the unlovely, we must want to love. That is the way it is with everything. Nothing is acquired unless we first desire it. After this first stepping-stone is set firmly in our hearts, we can then proceed on and put it into practice. Yet in the midst of frustration, anger, or disgust, it is sometimes very difficult to even want to love her. However, there are things to consider that might help change our minds. One of the primary things is to realize how unique of a creature she really is. Knowing this alone makes it much easier to overlook her shortcomings (if indeed they are shortcomings) and truly love her for it. When she snaps at you, rather than growling back at her and wanting to wring her neck -- your heart will reach out to her, for you know she is reacting from having been wounded during the day, and you will not take it personally. You will do whatever is in your power to soothe the pain of her soul. And if her wound was inflicted by you, whether intentionally or otherwise, when you really want to love her you will feel true remorse and do anything under the sun to make it up to her and restore happiness back to her aching heart.

Therefore, before we can even begin to progress and enter into The High Calling of Marriage, especially beyond our storybook dreams and exalted imaginations, we must truly want to love our wives, and it helps if they want to love us as well. If they don't, that is all right, for with a dedicated commitment on our part to this goal of love, their hurt will eventually be healed and their resistance broken. A genuine desire to reciprocate our love will develop, and it will not be long before the blossoms of unlimited love will unfold and reveal its hidden beauty and sweet fragrance.

When this first principle is applied, we will be amazed at how our wives begin to mellow out; but what is more amazing is how our own attitudes will quickly change. Where we once saw nothing but shortcomings, and we were less than understanding about them, we will see them as cute little characteristic quirks that we admire. Or perhaps, we will be able to see the imperfections are wounds and they need to be handled gently and cared for until healed. I know this to be true, for it has happened to me. Once I became aware of the principles, and I was willing to change, and I began to apply them, it was then that I was able to fully agree with the proverb: "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Prov. 18:22).

Continued...

Elwin R. Roach

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